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New Obnoxious Bells Designed to Get Seniors Out Faster, Among Other Things

DEERFIELD, IL—With only about one quarter left, Deerfield High School’s evil overlords decided to replace the bells with a new sound called “death bomb warning.” Besides the simple joy teachers…

Cat Trainer in Rehab for Catnip Addiction

By Picov Andropov Senior News Correspondent CHICAGO, IL – One of the areas leading cat trainers, Scott Tender, checked himself into rehab late last night for an addiction all too…

Song “Here it Goes Again” Played on Repeat

Both Students Accepted to Ivy Leagues Happy to Have Gotten In