By Buddy Lentil

ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, IL—With version 3.2.01 of AIM entering the hearts and minds of Americans everywhere, many reacted passively and almost failed to notice the astounding new AIM Feature.

In this new version of AIM, in order to compete with burgeoning companies like Google and Facebook who have recently entered the chat market, AIM has introduced the BloodPressureRemote feature, which does exactly what its name says.

BloodPressureRemote has gotten mixed views from AIM users and critics alike; many are calling the first step into “the new age of messaging and monitoring” while others call it the “mst stpd thng evrrr.”

AIM’s BloodPressureRemote still has its token success stories, as the company is too eager to promote. One month ago, James Koons, or dkRoute23, was logged on his AIM profile as he sat down to do his World History homework. He said afterward he felt “awkward, what with all the blood pressure monitors on my head and arms.” However, he managed to do it. Little did he know, as he reached the section on the Mongols, he started to show signs of hypertension as his blood pressure reached 150/91. He passed out immediately.

But luckily, his stalker AIM buddy xxIsWatchingU had been keeping tabs on him every since 119/68. Roger Wallace or xxIsWatchingU, had never talked to James Koons, but they had passed each other in the hallway once and that was enough to make them friends. Their friendship was his saving grace.

Koons was thankful and simultaneously weirded out: “Yeah, I was glad [he] caught the hypertension just as it was getting serious, but maybe it is possible that with blood pressure monitoring they have gone a little too far.”

His parents disagree vehemently, and his mother commented, “Now that I have AIM and BloodPressureRemote, I can monitor his stress level no matter where I am.” She admitted later she was even more excited for GPSu, which will keep a locator device on your buddies at all times.

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