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Fan Hurts Kellen Winslow’s Feelings; Winslow Out For Season

By Dudley Tenfold

Former University of Miami Hurricane star tight end Kellen Winslow made his entry into the NFL with a bang. And by bang, we mean he broke his leg in many, many places sidelining him for the year, both physically and emotionally. The following year promised to be promising for the promising pigskin player. However, while Winslow was out promoting his “Miami Bad-Boy” image on his motorcycle, his season ended abruptly again. It is not that he was riding around on the highway and some crazy fan bombarded his bike with footballs, but he fell on his bike in the Cleveland Browns facility parking lot. A parking lot. Not off fighting African tigers, like a Miami Bad-Boy would do; in a parking lot.

At Winslow’s most recent press conference, an angry Browns’ fan expressed his anger. You may be wondering what a fan was doing at a press conference, but this is a satirical article, and that’s just the way things go. The fan snappily snapped at Winslow. “Hey Winslow. You’re about as weak as a piece of balsa wood. That is as weak as wood gets. You gonna be able to stay on your feet for the whole season or are you gonna hurt yourself in a horrible shuffleboard accident?”

Winslow responded by cradling himself into a ball and crying in a corner. He was quoted no more than 15 minutes after the incident. “It’s just plain mean. I mean, that guy’s just a bully. I hate bullies. I also hate tuna fish, but I hate bullies more. My emotional state has been suspended into oblivion.”

Team doctors concluded a week later that Winslow was far too injured to play in the 2006 season. Flipside reporters asked the doctor, Dr. Jabberwatt, if he knew that Winslow had been in the NFL for 3 seasons and was yet to play two games. Dr. Jabberwatt responded “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

December 14, 2008

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