By Picov Andropov

MCHENRY, IL – Cecil Daniels, a 32 year old surgeon, used to be neurotic about littering. He has admitted to keeping trash bags in his Toyota Prius to pick up and throw away garbage on the street. Since childhood, Daniels said, he was aware of the effects of littering, an attitude created by a public service announcement.

That has since changed. “These ‘eco’ products are amazing, they’ve totally changed my life,” Daniels told The Flipside. “Now, I just toss my used Fifth Generation brand paper plates out of my car window, with the comfort of knowing they’ll soon be absorbed into the earth.”

The growing trend of “green” product packaging, which underlines recycled, biodegradable post-consumer paper materials that rely less on petroleum, has created a spontaneous trashing of sidewalks, roadsides, wildernesses, and, yes, Segway paths. Although many environmentalists were surprised by the latest trend in littering, experts say it is here to stay. “The shame attached to littering has finally been put to rest,” said the head of Earthworks, Mrs. Vegan. “With manufacturers packaging goods in unbleached, biodegradable, cornstarch based papers and plastics, more people will throw away their garbage wherever is convenient, knowing that it will safely decompose within the next 15 or so years.”

The growing reaction form “neo-litterbugs” like Cecil Daniels has been nothing less than gleeful. Scientists have seen a 9% increase in highway littering since the end of 2007 and researchers have no reason to believe that this rate won’t increase.

To prevent further littering, many environmentalists demand that Congress pass legislation forcing all packages to be coated with a nonbiodegradable toxin that can kill wildlife unless products are properly disposed of in garbage bags. They hope people will then question the morality of littering and ultimately begin recycling again, the “proper way.”

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