By Picov Andropov
FAIRFAX, VA – Tensions were high yesterday as members of the Screen Actors Guild and Writers Guild of America took part in a reenactment of the Cold War. The current strike has limited the production of television and film and has created many bored actors and writers. “I’ve just been sitting here,” says comedian and television host David Letterman. “I’ve been making smart-alec jokes all day and Paul can’t even fake laugh at them.”
The action took place outside of the Cold War Museum, which is actually just a file cabinet filled with suspicion. Each Guild was enclosed in separate warehouses. The Actors, containment oriented Americans, and Writers, communist spreading Russians, spent the day trying to determine the next move of the enemy. “We actually sent Michael Ironside to spy on the Russians. They’ll never know he’s not a writer, the guy hasn’t worked in forever,” said Alec Baldwin.
With espionage and accusations at their highest, onlookers witnessed the expansion of territory, the creation of nuclear missiles and rocketships, communist “witch” hunts and trials, the building of walls and curtains made of iron, SALT, SALT II, the destruction of walls, an invasion involving pigs, plans of Marshall and Truman, various coups, and Star Wars (not the movie, although that was scheduled for after the reenactment). Of course, none of this actually happened, it was just talked about, reconsidered, rereconsidered and written down, only to be confirmed or refuted by spies.
One family was very disappointed at the spectacle. “We traveled all the way from Jersey,” said Coger Rlemens. “All I could see were the telescopes pointed towards the opposite warehouses.” Interesting, the warehouses were ten feet apart.