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Clemens Tells Congress They Have Just Been “Punk’d”

By Gordon Swift

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In one of the most shocking moments of C-Span’s glorious history, Ashton Kutcher and Roger Clemens jumped out from behind the podium and informed congress that they have just been punk’d. Much to everyone’s surprise, a giddy Kutcher and foolhardy Clemens revealed how they have been just joshing around about this whole steroid ordeal. A blushing senator George Mitchell embarrassingly said, “I am George Mitchell, and I do solemnly swear that I got punk’d. How could I fall for such tomfoolery?”

In another surprising twist, Brian Macnamee jumped to the front of the senate courtroom and gave Roger Clemens a big hi five followed by a low five, than ended by putting it up top once more. Macnamee admitted, “It was a little hard to keep a straight face. I mean, did congress really think anyone would come close to injecting something up Clemens’ buttocks. I mean, that man reeks.” Senator Dodd, the prankster of the senate, joked “Seriously, if anything his anus should be on trial for being a dirty bomb.”

Clemens reported that he was happy to be at the spotlight again, and that his wife was also glad to get the media off her back. “It has been a rough ride with all these steroids,” she commented. “But I’m just happy to get back to baseball.”

Later, off the record, she also stated that she was even more excited to see next weeks episode of Punk’d, when they reveal to George W. Bush that all these years have been one big practical joke.

December 15, 2008

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