By Picov Andropov

Senior News Correspondent

CHICAGO, IL – One of the areas leading cat trainers, Scott Tender, checked himself into rehab late last night for an addiction all too common in his field. Catnip, which has kept millions of cats occupied from their rather non-invigorating lifestyles, can have devastating effects on more than just felines.

Fresh off an IAMS photo shoot, which featured several cat models that Tender has trained and styled, Scott was found rolling around the back of his ‘89 Ford Cavalier with 3.4 kilos of the banned substance Nepeta cataria, or catnip for short. “It was like nothing I’ve ever seen before,” said Barry Black, the man who found Tender. “It was if he was trying to rip open the yarn like pouch with his teeth and feet at the same time.” Black found the woozy Tender near the home of Tender’s mother and did not turn him in to authorities, as Tender agreed to check into rehab.

Tender will receive full care at a nearby rehab center which specializes in animal substance addictions. They will first accommodate him with a ball of yarn, and then make sure to rub behind his ears.

Don’t worry. Tender, and the rehab facility for that matter, did not harm any cats in the fight against his addiction. Only the dignity and respect of cats everywhere, and the ticket revenue of a nearby cat museum, were injured.

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