Ask Mr. Motzko

Dear Mr. Motzko,

All of my friends have the new iPhone, but I still have to communicate with Morse code and smoke signals because my parents are so cheap. They give me a hard time, because most of them still don’t have Morse code and smoke signal receivers. I want to stay in touch with my friends, but without a hip cell phone, it seems impossible. What can I do?


Cell-less in Seattle

Egad, man (woman and/or child)!

Can’t you people do anything for yourselves? Must I lead you like some balding Moses through the technological wilderness? I spend all night cutting up pieces of yarn and cleaning out old coffee cans and yet not one of you can build a decent phone (or spitoon, might I add). For shame! Alexander Graham Bell spins at 180 rpm in the grave that he stole from some other guy. Lest I lose my icy-cool, Blofeld-esque demeanor, let us speak of alternate plans. Here is one that will once and for all shatter your fortress of solitude into razor sharp shards, shredding those other social butterflies into so much confetti. Long lost are the days when classy meant a hand-written query delivered by a one-eyed, black-cloaked rider or a sonnet comitted to parchment, and delivered on the talon of a one-eyed falcon. I myself use these communicative tools all the time. Here comes a messager now. (brief pause) What!? The rebels have breached the stronghold?! Forgive me, dear reader, but you are now on your own with this one.

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