By Picov Andropov

DEERFIELD, IL – It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Wait, no, it’s just the worst of times. With gas prices pushing four dollars per gallon, consumers have been forced to use the cash stashed under the mattress to keep the car moving. One local man, Steve Goldens, does not share the now common hatred for the oil company. No, he does not work for Mobil. No, he does not own 500 shares in British Petroleum. No, he does not own a car. Yes, he’s that annoying guy who rides his bike on the side of the road when he could easily be using the sidewalk.

Bicyclists like Steve Goldens have become more and more common since gas prices started rising like 70 years ago. The Great Depression led to an exponential increase in the price of oil, even though most people had to sell their cars. The cat food shortage of 1967 established a mass hysteria which ultimately created a rise in gas prices; historians are still trying to figure that one out. But today’s local bicyclist chooses to “peddle” instead of “roll with my homies” because of the freedom involved, the freedom to mess with the people in cars by (1) hogging the road (2) using very confusing turn signals and (3) having an excuse to wear spandex. The real answer is simple; Deerfield has seen an increase in the number of bicyclists because of record highs at the pump.

“I got rid of my car years ago,” explained Steve Goldens. “It just didn’t make fiscal sense to keep it with the price of gas constantly on the rise. Now that I have the bicycle, I really couldn’t care less about gasoline prices or traffic, for that matter. Make that Steve Golden 1, Oil Companies, uh, well like 3 billion I guess.”

Earthworks insisted on commenting about the increase in bicyclists. They released this statement yesterday, “It’s great to see so many people on the bike instead of in the car. It really, really is. It’s just so great, it is. What did you ask again?”

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