By George Minkowski


CLEVELAND CLINIC— It’s common knowledge that obesity is never your own fault. Maybe it runs in the family, or maybe you are just big-boned, but one thing is for sure, it’s not your fault.
New research from the Cleveland Clinic suggests that this is not entirely true. They believe that many obese Americans are so because of their own behaviors. This paradigm shifting assertion is leaving many Americans flabbergasted.
Chuck McAlister is one of these obese Americans. We had an opportunity to sit down and talk with him at an IHOP this past week. “This is ridiculous on so many levels,” McAlister says. “First off, I’m out of syrup. That’s just unacceptable. Also, the reason I’m overweight is obviously because my allergy medication causes me to gain weight.”
Still, the researchers behind this study would maintain that Mr. McAlister is fat because he eats more than any man should and the last time he exercised was when the fire alarm went off at an Old Country Buffet and he was forced to power-walk to the door. “We understand that this is not what most American’s want to hear,” Dr. Philip Gookin of the Cleveland Clinic says. “But there is no denying the evidence; people who are constantly eating tend to be more overweight than those who eat healthy and exercise. Poor diet and little to no exercise will most likely result in obesity. No longer can we blame our fatness on ‘evolution.’ We must recognize that having a slice of chocolate cake for a snack is a more reasonable explanation for obesity than a shirt just fitting you awkwardly.”
With this new information, scientists are now trying to find a way to prevent or treat obesity. They are abandoning mainstream weight loss strategies such as “weight loss belts” and “yoga.” Now they are focusing on what people are putting into their face-holes and how many hours a day they spend staring at glowing rectangles.

+ posts
You May Also Like

In Defense of WDT

WDT is under attack. They’ve been made villains by nearly all of…

Dunkin’ Donuts Changes Name to Be Politically Correct

by Anfernee Van Tarkus MASSACHUSETTS-Leading donut and coffee provider Dunkin’ Donuts has…

SparkNotes Releases SparkNoted SparkNotes

By Jeremy Hoodaman SparkNotes, the sworn enemy of English teachers everywhere, recently…

I Really Don’t Know Which Super Power I Want

by Austin Graypad Recently, I have been asked about super heroes, or…