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Gaddafi Hates the Photo They Chose of Him for the Cover of Time
By George Minkowski Colonel Muammar Gaddafi hates a lot of things and people; Jewish people, many of his own citizens, running a stable country, and artichokes. But recently, something else…
News in Brief: Referendum Fails, It’s Back to District 113’s Only Non-Broken Drawing Board
By Gunther Hausmann After the District 113 referendum was shot down by a margin of 2,041 votes on Tuesday night, the school board and other referendum supporters headed back to…
Townsperson #4 Nervous for Musical
By George Minkowski Despite having no individual lines, wireless microphone, or exceedingly difficult dance moves, Sophomore Henry Wasserman is reportedly “pretty nervous” for tonight’s performance of All Shook Up. Wasserman,…
Deerfield Combines Varsity Boys’ Football & Basketball Teams
By Jeffrey Hoodaman Several dozen students were enraged after the school administration announced last Tuesday the decision to merge the varsity boys’ football and basketball teams. Upon receiving the news,…
Taliban Wages Prank War on United States
By George Minkowski KABUL, AFGANISTAN— After devastating losses last week during an air raid, Taliban leaders decided to work out a peace treaty with the United States. The Taliban refused…
Area Teen Loves Lady GaGa For Some Reason
By Walter McDonald Despite the fact that Lady Gaga is annoying and bad, area freshman George Trenton said yesterday that he still “loves” the famous pop star. “She is my…