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Opinion: Thanks For Running Over My Cousin

By Sarcastic Squirrel Excuse me, sir. I totally get how busy you are, with your appointments and meetings and all that fun stuff. I know I’m pretty low on the…

Northern Iowa Celebrates Win, Gains Knowledge of Team’s Existence

McDonald’s Introduces Tacos To Menu… Oh Wait, I Think This Is A Chipotle

One Third of Deerfield Basketball Team Announce Retirement After Long, Illustrious Career

Local Teen Forced to Explain the Various Bases to Parents

By George Minkowski DEERFIELD– After becoming fed up with not understanding the baseball metaphors for sex in teen movies, two local parents worked up the courage to ask their son…

Student Loses Handbook, Can’t Remember To Buy A New One

By Buford Stetson DEERFIELD, IL – Local Freshman John Morris lives a very organized life. He does all of his math homework (even if the teacher is not checking it…

Toyota Debuts Aggressive New Ads

Orthodontists Without Borders Dispatched to Great Britain

Jesus, Car Keys Found at Church Retreat

Theme of Communist Party to be “Potluck”

Drill Team Choreographs New Routine… Just Kidding!

Wildly Popular “Perspectives” Class Cut to Make Room for Six More Mini-Laptops

By George Minkowski and Buford Stetson Offered to Sophomores, the combined English/Social Studies class “Perspectives” is know around the school for being one of the finest courses offered at Deerfield…