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Opinion: Thanks For Running Over My Cousin

By Sarcastic Squirrel

Excuse me, sir. I totally get how busy you are, with your appointments and meetings and all that fun stuff. I know I’m pretty low on the food chain compared to you, so thanks a million for setting aside some of your valuable time to listen to me. I’ll just be a minute.

I just wanted to formally thank you for running over my cousin Bernice. You’re a real sweetheart.

I mean, it’s not like Bernice was really that important to his family and friends or anything. He was a really nice guy, and he had one of the bushiest tails around, but it’s really not that big of a deal. His newborn squirrel babies and his loving squirrel wife are probably going to be just fine. I mean, at first his mom did seem pretty upset, but hey, she’s always been known to be a little overdramatic. You know how squirrels can be.

And don’t even worry about it. We all understand. You were driving through your subdivision, fussing with the GPS so it gave directions with a sexy English accent. Nice. Anyway, while your eyes were averted for that very important task, do you remember anything out of the ordinary? A little bump, maybe? Know what that was? That was Bernice.

But don’t sweat it. I’m sure he’ll understand why you were in such a hurry. I’ve been made aware that you had a burning desire to rent “You, Me And Dupree”, and you just had to drive to Blockbuster to make sure they still had a copy for you to rent.
At least Bernice’s life was sacrificed for a piece of filmmaking genius, as opposed to some critically panned Owen Wilson flick. I mean, personally, I thought it was a bad movie, but my tiny squirrel brain might not have been able to comprehend all that complex humor. So who knows, right?

Well, Bernice was my favorite cousin, and it’s kind of hard to look at baby pictures of him now that he’s a smear on the side of the road. That stuff makes me squeamish, even. We squirrels don’t consider ourselves to be violent creatures. All we really do is collect nuts, scamper from branch to branch, and occasionally star in Ice Age movies. We’re really just here to entertain you.

So, maybe once in a while, you could stop texting in your car just long enough to avoid squashing my close relatives. I know, I know, Danielle said this and John’s dating that girl. Good stuff.

If you could keep your eyes on the road just long enough to not kill us, that would be great. I know it’s a lot to ask for. And if you’re feeling extra-merciful, try giving that brake pedal a few pumps and spare us a few seconds so that we can avoid becoming bloody pancakes

Peace out, man. Keep doing good work. You’re the best ever. And oh yeah… does this taste like rabies to you?

April 3, 2010

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