Typical DHS students now interface with this UI on RogerHub.com

With only 4 days before final exams commence, Deerfield students are frantically reviewing their grades, creating study guides, and scheduling review sessions before it’s too late. A favorite software of theirs is the online grade calculator RogerHub, which anxious teenagers will use to determine that, with an 88.33%, it is literally impossible for them to get an A- in the class with a final that is only worth 10% of the grade, a discovery that they will contest at least 4 times a day as though mathematical reality might change as their depression worsens. Luckily, no longer is the dreaded “You will need a 106.59%” pop-up the end of the world. Instead of pointlessly hoping for a ridiculous amount of extra credit, RogerHub can now predict what you must surrender to Lucifer in order for him to fix your grade.

More than that, the website now offers you detailed instructions on precisely how to summon Satan and offer him your soul. As a result, the X-hall ceiling is covered in bloody pentagrams, and the floor below is littered with the carcasses of goats. The biology department planned to repurpose them for dissection, but the project was scrapped after evil spirits were released, causing an entire lab group to become possessed. They were sure to describe their demonic hallucinations in the Qualitative Observations section of the lab report, earning one pf the sophomores the much-needed 30 points out of 20 to bump up her grade. Anywho, the devil’s new worshippers seem confident in their academics—if not a little gaunt and suddenly amoral.

Take, for example, my own story. Heading into finals week, I still have a few classes for which my grade is, well, imperfect. On Monday of this week, I opened RogerHub only to find out just how hopeless an A in Chemistry would be. That is, I could get an A in Chemistry if I allowed Beelzebub to make me emotionally incapable of feeling hope. Things were looking up for me, right? I used to think so.

One freshman explained how the Lord of Darkness was incredibly understanding to him.

  “At the end of a semester, I would email some of my teachers, asking if there was anything I could do to improve my grade,” he said, “and they’d respond: ‘I’m sorry, but you had many opportunities over the past few months for extra credit, for making up work, you could have done something then. There’s nothing you can do now.

“For the Fiery Patron, there’s always something you can do. What’s more—he actually responds to your emails on time.” Concerned about the “uncomfortable and unwelcoming” effect that Principal Anderson said Satanism was having on the culture at Deerfield High, the technology office is working on blocking the RogerHub website from dist113 Chrome browsers. Obviously, though, a firewall is hardly going to prevent the King of the Inferno from getting through. In the meanwhile, however, this reporter needs to collect the blood of his father and the tears of his mother, or else his Calculus BC grade is not looking good.

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