Katniss Anderson
The Principal Poses for a Photoshoot Promoting the Games

Earlier this morning, Deerfield High School Administration declared that, in order to remind the staff of their subservience and ensure their loyalty, the first annual faculty Hunger Games would be held this year. Principal Snow (née Anderson) announced gleefully that, beginning next week, tenured DHS teachers and counselors, two from each department, will have their names drawn from a lottery to determine which of them will be fighting to the death out on the football field during Winter Break. Teachers may also volunteer as tribute to spare their colleagues.

Staff responses were varied. Some teachers appeared excited to prove themselves. One biology teacher welcomed this opportunity with open arms. “It’s like I’ve spent my whole career preparing for this,” he confessed, “I’ll finally be able to demonstrate what ‘Survival of the Fittest’ really means.” He also aired his intention to volunteer for the games whilst grinning with strategically sharpened teeth. Others were more hesitant about the conflict. One school counselor expressed a desire to prevent the inevitable violence when she said, “I’m really hoping we can all just talk this out instead of killing each other.” Most experts expect she wouldn’t make it past Day Two. Others still felt that they could use this as a teachable moment. The English Department reportedly intends to cover the faculty Hunger Games in Senior English: Nature of Competition.

In other news, the PERC has recently expanded its facilities. In place of the old tumbling floor, the school erected a new MMA cage. The weight room’s dumbbells gave way to handaxes, and several archery targets were mounted on the back wall. The cost of this equipment was staggering. Deerfield taxpayers initially met this fiscal decision with opprobrium, until one District 113 official addressed their concerns. “The District can afford more discretionary spending this year,” she said, “seeing as how twenty-three staff members are soon to come off the payroll.”

Students of all grade levels are incredibly excited for the upcoming battle royale. Betting pools have already been announced even though contestants have yet to be selected. If you’re itching to see the bloodshed up close, remember: you can get your ticket for free at the bookstore when you show them your activity pass.

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