Can you smell that? No, it’s not the freshman vaping in the bathroom. It’s the scent of summer! It’s in the air—the signs of it are everywhere. The courtyard is full of students grazing on the lawn during B lunch, the cafe bar’s milkshake sales are up 50%, and there’s not a single lousy senior in sight. I’m just speaking for myself here, but this summer I’m really going to come into my own. No more empty days or moping around, I have a plan of attack. I know we all have had that summertime sadness, but hopefully this article will provide you some nifty tips and tricks to overcome the much-feared “July Joylessness.” 

Hit the gym, virgin.

It’s not just “hot girl summer.” It could be “mediocre-looking dude summer,” alright? You just have to try harder. Get a membership to Planet Fitness and run on a treadmill like Mr. Pechter is chasing you in a leotard. You’ll know it’s working when your friends stop talking to you because all you do is brag about your gains.

Basket-Weaving, or Something Interesting like that

Okay.. well maybe the grindset isn’t for you. In that case, maybe what you need is a skill to harness. Find a hobby, maybe it’s collecting rocks, bird watching, or belittling children ages 7-9. Anything that takes time out of the day. Eli, you may ask, what hobby are you going to pursue? Well dear reader, I’m going to get stupidly good at badminton. That’s right, everyone sleeps on badminton. In the summertime, volleyball runs rampant, but no one pays attention to volleyball’s half-breed mutt child with tennis that we call badminton. Get your birdies ready DHS, cause I’m about to hit a killer drop-shot.

R and R: Realism and Resignation

What’s that? You don’t like my tips? You know what, I don’t blame you, I wrote this article on my iPhone at 11:25 on a Wednesday night after Noah whipped me in places where the sun doesn’t shine, so I’m not on my A game here, folks. For the cynical reader who scoffed at my previous suggestions, I have one last trick. Give up. I bet you have such high expectations of the summer, but we both know how this is gonna end. Boom, it’s August 3 and you look back and you haven’t done a single thing. You don’t even remember hanging out with your friends. All you remember is watching true crime documentaries and a constant feeling of “Today is so nice, I should really go outside and get some air”— but you never get up, do you? Maybe you should’ve hit the gym, virgin.

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