In light of Dr. Dignam’s recent promotion to superintendent, it seems Deerfield will once again be in need of a new principal next year. The Flipside has generously pledged the full support of its staff and resources (a few rabid animals and a broken-down typewriter) to the search process. We decided to begin our search for the school’s next administrative leader in a place where we knew we’d be sure to find honest, accountable people: the presidential candidate field. We interviewed the leading Democratic and Republican candidates to hear what they would do if given the principal job.

Marco Rubio:

“We need to dispel this rumor that the administration doesn’t know what it’s doing. It knows exactly what it’s doing. What would I do as principal? Well, I have a lot of ideas. But first, what’s really imperative is this: we need to dispel this rumor that the administration doesn’t know what it’s doing….”

Hillary Clinton:

“When—excuse me, I meant if—I am chosen to be principal, my first priority is going to be transforming Deerfield’s technology system. No more Chromebooks, that’s for sure. In fact, no more computers. Email is really a thing of the past, some experts have told me. No more email. Whatever happened to handwriting notes? Also, school uniforms: mandatory pantsuits. Okay, so when do I start?”

Donald Trump:

“We need to make Deerfield great again! First off, what we need is a wall, a big beautiful wall between the freshmen and the other grades. I’m sure some of the freshmen are good people, but we’re building the wall, the freshmen are going to pay for it using their lunch money, and maybe once they’re a bit older they can come through the door we’re going to build. Also, we’re going to be making better deals around here. No more high prices in the caf. I’m going to have Sodexo eating out of my hand. To any teacher that doesn’t like the sound of this, guess what? You’re fired.”

Bernie Sanders:

“Here’s what a Bernie principalship will look like. First, we’re going to clear up our hallways. That means no more backPACs swinging around, hitting people in the shoulder. Second, we’re going to fix the rampant class inequality in this school. Some people have three, four even five free periods while some people are working eight full periods a day! Let me be clear: if you are taking a full course load, you should not be failing. This is why we need a minimum grade of a B-. And finally, we are going to do away with the 1% (milk in the caf).”

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