The Council of Weekdays handed down a historic ruling last month, deciding by a vote of 3-2 to put an end to the late starts, which were revered by the Deerfield student body. Instead, students will arrive an hour later every 100 day. A spokesperson for Monday, writing for the majority, claimed that the decision will set “a landmark precedent to once-and-for-all to do away with the ‘Monday Blues’ felt by many students.”

“We really think we found a winner here,” said district administrator Arnold Aardvark. Mr. Aardvark claims that the mastermind behind the new late starts was the same employee who brought to the district’s countless other celebrated innovations, such as heart-rate monitor days, the temperature in X hall, and Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2.

Not everyone, however, was as enthusiastic about the schedule change. The spokesperson for Wednesday, dissenting, stated that “Mid-week late starts are a cultural institution. What will students Instagram now on Tuesday and Wednesday mornings instead of a picture of brunch with friends? Would they post pictures of schoolwork? I wouldn’t heart that.” In an independent survey of the student body, 96% of students disapproved of the change. The remaining 4% responded “lol wut no late starts? ”.

Some teachers as well were skeptical of the new plan due to the shortened 100 day class periods. “35 minutes is barely enough time to pretend to take attendance and have a half-hearted ‘what did you do last weekend?’ whip-around” complained Mr. Euler, a math teacher. “The whole thing is just irrational.”

Unsurprisingly, students’ attitudes toward sleeping in remain unchanged. A student who requested not to be named told the reporters from the Flipside that s/he loved the idea of a new late start on Monday. “I now can procrastinate an extra hour and a half on Sunday night,” they stated ecstatically, “because that’s what this new late start is for anyways, right?”


Article by Benjy Sachs

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