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New Call of Duty Game Best Thing Since Sliced Bread

By Harrison Johnson and Brenda Mandarino

DEERFIELD, IL–Chances are, most of you reading this article immediately noticed the phrase “Call of Duty” and decided it was worth reading. It is. This new Call of Duty game has bucketloads of new features such as perks, guns, first-person shooting aspects, and Russians. And boy have these installments have gotten the gaming community talking. However, the first purchaser of the game, Tiko Kawasaki, had incredible insight on a possible software glitch to the new version that may revolutionize COD forever. But he only spoke Japanese, and The Flipside can’t afford a translator.

Students all over the world and Canada are buzzing with already-found camping spots and how the quickscoping will work in multiplayer. Richard “Camper Rick” Berger is already getting annoyed with the new crop of cheap-shotting n00bs taking over the Modern Warfare 3 battlefield. But Timmy “Snipe-y” Reynolds, a repeat quickscoping offender, criticizes people like Berger. “We elite OpTic snipers hate Randoms who ‘patrol the area.’ We just want to record ourselves play and show everyone on Youtube that they are not as good us.”

The new game has also surprisingly caused enlistments in the real army to skyrocket. Apparently, people think that skills in COD somehow relate to using an actual gun. One new enlistment realized that the gun was “a lot heavier than the Xbox controller” and another enlistment said “wait a second. If I die, I’m not going to respawn. Damn.”

The professional gamers are especially excited that the new game has come out, hoping that it will raise their “salaries.” 25-year-old Scotty Button says he’s been working over-time to keep up with the increase in Xbox traffic. “I’ve just worked really hard to make it to this point, and I think I deserve a break,” said Button. When Flipside reporters asked Button what he would do during the break, he said “play COD, obviously. What else would I do?”  When the reporters suggested going outside, Button just started twitching uncontrollably.

It goes without saying, this game will be another Best Buy-Buster worth staying up for hours on end. So go ahead and make that dedicated six-man party on “Search and Destroy” and neglect your school work that will get you nowhere in life. For Call of Duty, it’s definitely worth it.

November 17, 2011

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