Last Thursday, a shockingly high number of defaced Flipsides were found throughout the halls of DHS. Several boys have been spotted picking up a Flipside and immediately tearing it to shreds, others have merely tossed it in the trash, and one mysteriously yellow-stained copy was found in the far right urinal in X-Hall. And what was the cause for these actions? Junior Tommy Parker says it’s because one of the articles of last week’s issue was written by a girl.
Parker, being one of the perpetrators, wrote “Girls Are Stupid” on 12 copies of The Flipside and chose to end his subscription to prove his discontent. When he was reminded that The Flipside is free, Parker’s response was “Oh.” And when reporters asked Parker if he’d actually read sophomore Kelly Brown’s article, he said, “Well, not exactly. But I just know it was bad.”
Even though Parker’s opinions matter to us just about as much as Donald Trump’s presidential campaign, he is not alone. Senior quarterback and fellow boy supremacist Caleb McGarth said, “Girls just don’t have the brain capacity to be funny. They’re just so much more dumber than boys. Girls should leave it to men like me to crack the jokes around here.” Men like McGarth, who inside reports indicated still wear footy pajamas to bed and can’t grow a better moustache than my aunt (we’ve just started calling Auntie Mary Mark now).
In an attempt to defend the females of journalism, Flipside reporters have been encouraging more girls to write articles so that boys like Parker and McGarth can “just get over themselves.” Unfortunately, three-fourths of girls were too self-conscious to write an article, let alone walk out of their house every morning. And the other one-fourth was PMS-ing (The Flipside has chosen to discontinue all contact with the remaining fourth due to overly aggressive behavior and seemingly bipolar mood swings).
With efforts of integration seeming rather unsuccessful, the male population has won a small victory. However, even though they weren’t willing to write anything, many girls were surprisingly willing to offer their criticism of the other gender.
“Boys are disgusting. They pee standing up, they don’t brush their hair, and they reuse the same underwear. Girls are like, obviously superior,” said Sally Hunter, local member of the Girls United Youth to Stop Shower Underuse (of boys) and Care for Kittens. Unfortunately for Hunter, her organization has seen little progress.
Regardless of the recent cross-sex tensions, The Flipside offers a simple solution to the student population. For every girl that writes an article for The Flipside, one lucky boy will win an iPad*! But seriously, girls. Just write more articles.
*The Flipside cannot be held accountable for any monetary claims, such as an iPad.