By Gunther Hausman

There is no denying that there is an epidemic at Deerfield High School. It’s not just senioritis and swine flu is under control (for now). There is an epidemic of Ju­niors parking in the DHS lot with­out a permit.

Most students don’t take this is­sue very seriously. They foolishly believe that they are entitled to take one of the many open spots if they are in a pinch. By parking without a permit, these delinquents are bringing on almost certain Ar­mageddon.

School officials resolved this New Year to end this disturbing trend and are actually following through. However necessary their efforts are, these new policies and pro­cedures are causing a significant amount of irreversible damage.

“You’ve been warned,” said an administrator who wishes to be kept anonymous to appear more evil. “Now its time to pay.”

Payment for a parking violation is no longer something simple like a 6-hour Saturday detention and/or 6-hour loss of breathing privileges. The deans and security personnel have really upped the ante.

Their goal is to have no repeat of­fenders and that means one of three things; rendering the vehicle im­mobile, emotionally crippling the culprit, or doing both of those.

In the past week, the school has slashed fourteen tires, stolen nine, and replaced four with bicycle wheels. These stolen tires are being auctioned off by the Booster Club (along with everything else they can get their hands on) to pay for the turf field. Some cars have been imploded and others have been chained to the imploded cars.

“I was a little frustrated to see Junior keyed into my car and the seats replaced with fire,” says Ju­nior Samantha Bishop. “But there’s no use crying over spilled milk.”

“No, we want you to cry,” said the administrator. 

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