By George Minkowski

“Boom” went the oilrig 40 miles off the coast of Louisiana on April 20, 2010. “Uh-oh” went the United States Coast Guard two days after the explosion when they noticed crude oil leaking from the rig at a rate of 210,000 gallons per day. That number has been increasing in the wake of several failed attempts to control the spill including their promising idea to duct tape the leak and their slightly less promising idea to pray away the leak. The thousands of animals killed or displaced by the spill were just as surprised that the duct tape didn’t work.

The leak continues as you read this, but the situation is not without hope. BP, the company mainly responsible for this devastating spill, announced yesterday at brunch-time (Central Standard Time) that they have a plan to save their precious oil.

BP CEO Tony Hayward is devastated by all of the oil lost but believes that his team of yes-men has developed a sound plan to recover at least 80% of their “liquid money.”

“We are sorry to our investors and we are sorry to those affected by the spill. I’m forgetting something. I know it,” said Hayward. “Oh, and the animals. Sorry, animals.” Hayward then brought out a man in a white coat to describe their two-part plan to resolve the situation.

“Phase one,” said the man in the white coat, “is to try duct tape again. Problem almost solved. Phase two is a little more complicated. We allow the animals to keep swimming around in our oil until they absorb it all. Then, we ring them out in a giant bucket. We get our oil back; the animals are oil-free. It’s win-win.”

Environmentalists like Duke University marine biologist Larry Crowder says “ringing animals out like they are wet towels will lead to death 100% of the time.” He suggests a more traditional approach to dealing with the spill like having engineers come out to assess the problem while people rescue, clean, and rehabilitate the animals until it is safe for them to be released back into their environment. Asked Hayward sarcastically, “do you have that kind of money, pretty boy?”

Nobody has that kind of money, except of course for the BP executives who are determined to find a way to fix the spill without costing them any money (preferably making them money). For now, they are waiting on board approval for their plan. Approval, however, will not be that difficult to obtain as the BP Board of Directors is comprised entirely of soulless, real-life monopoly men.

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