By Officer Dan
I spend long days patrolling the streets, enforcing speed limits and watching for dangerous activity. I work tirelessly to ensure the safety of this town and its people. I proudly enforce the necessary laws upon which this nation was built.
And I’m sick and tired of getting lip for enjoying a doughnut once in a while. I’ve always liked doughnuts, even before I was a police officer. I don’t enjoy them more than anybody else. Probably just the average amount, I’d guess. I have a balanced diet, I exercise regularly, and I take a multi-vitamin every morning.
So why, then, do people try making me feel guilty about eating a Krispy Kreme or two?
Just the other day, actually, I made a stop at the local Dunkin-Donuts. Now I usually don’t even go there, but my wife gave me a coupon for a free cup of coffee with the purchase of a doughnut. Upon entering the establishment, I was greeted with snickers and stifled giggling. A little boy approached me, pointed his finger at me, and said, “My mommy says people like you should stop coming here so much”. And after ordering a glazed doughnut and a bear claw, the young man behind the counter barely choked out, “Have…a nice day… officer,” before bursting in laughter.
Hey you, little boy with chocolate all over your face. Grow up. Do you see this, right here on my belt? It’s not a Super-Soaker. And your mother should tell you that it’s rude to point. And you, pizza-faced minimum wage worker. Yeah, I’m talking to you. I serve and protect. You work at a Dunkin-Donuts. Who should be laughing at whom? I bet you think that every construction worker eats sandwiches out of brown paper bags. You make me sick.
I mean, come on. The donut shops are the only decent places to go during night shifts. It’s cheap, and close to the police station. What am I supposed to do? The facts that I’m a cop and I like doughnuts are completely unrelated. I thought Americans moved past prejudice and bigotry hundreds of years ago. Obviously I was mistaken.
Oh wait, gotta go. I just saw a kid walking outside and I’m pretty sure he was wearing a Metallica shirt. He must have at least a few drugs on him.“

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