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Curler Can’t Find Friend to Sit with in Olympic Cafeteria

By George Minkowski VANCOUVER– Getting to the Olympics takes years of determination and sacrifice. That is, unless you are a curler, in which case all it takes is a complete…

Scandal of the Century: Two Girls Wear Same Sleazy Dress to Turnabout

By Stasi Starr DEERFIELD– As the old adage goes, no two snowflakes are exactly a like. Unfortunately, this doesn’t hold true for teenage girls, because on Saturday, two girls wore…

History Classes Officially Deemed Pointless

By Buford Stetson WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a press release last Friday, the United States Government officially deemed history classes “as useful as the pledge of allegiance in homeroom.” The…

Opinion: I Enjoy Doughnuts… So What?

By Officer Dan I spend long days patrolling the streets, enforcing speed limits and watching for dangerous activity. I work tirelessly to ensure the safety of this town and its…

Congress Passes Kidney Stone

Justin Bieber Starting to Notice Girls

Doctor Doesn’t Really Want to be Asked if Valtrex is Right for You