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Group of Mailmen Launch Counterattack Against Area Dogs

By Elijah Brisk

A few weeks ago, in a dark, dark basement, over five middle-aged men huddled together, and spoke in quiet whispers. They could not risk being heard by anybody for fear that their plan might be leaked. You see,

they still contained the element of surprise, something that would prove crucial to the success of their entire operation. These five people were the best and brightest of their time.

They were mailmen. And they wanted revenge. They had been pushed around

for too long. So, with their spirits all but broken, a few brave souls took it upon themselves to mount one final stand against their oppressors. Irwin Edelson, a veteral mailman since ‘73, commented: “Those damn dogs have picked on us since the beginning of time. Mailmen around the world de- serve better, so we plan to make that dream a reality!” Edelson himself has felt the wrath of the evil dogs, having to get stitches on his backside on sev- enteen separate occations from being bitten by dogs. He has also broken a wrist, nose, and has had both of his

hips replaced. “Enough is enough!” So, after weeks of careful planning, the group of mailmen finally took action this past Tuesday, sneaking out into the dark, moonless night. They declined to explain what hap- pened after. The next morning came screams of dismay from all corners of Deerfield. Dog owners stared in hor- ror at the crates that once housed a beautiful Golden Retriever or Labra- doodle, because every single dog in this great town had been replaced by a cat. “Ewww! cats throw up those gross hairballs! They make me puke!” Says outraged and disgusted now- cat owner John Hayes. “I’m allergic to cats! What am I supposed to do about this? God, I’m so itchy!” Exclaims Deer-

field resident Paula Sternstein. The town was in chaos, though in- terestingly, everybody got their mail

a little earlier today.

February 1, 2010

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