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Area Man Finally Forgives Steve Bartman

By Jeremy Hoodaman
Jeff Traison, 57, Deerfield resident and die-hard Cubs fan, has announced to the press that he has come to peace with Steve Bartman.
Bartman, an avid Cubs fan himself, is known for his infamous attempt to catch a fly ball during the 2003 Major League Baseball playoff game between the Cubs and Florida Marlins, disrupting a potential catch by outfielder Moises Alou. While fans were initially furious with Bartman for inadvertently causing the Cubs to lose, the public has largely come to peace with the events of that fateful eighth inning.
Jeff Traison, however, was not so quick to forgive and forget. He erected a small podium in his front yard, on which he primarily bellowed shockingly violent threats aimed at Bartman. In the days following the incident, local were enthusiastic about Traison’s crusade to avenge Alou. As the weeks progressed, the public began to tire of his antics.
“I mean, yeah, for the first couple of days I was kind of pissed,” said Vince Humbert, Traison’s neighbor “but after a while I guess I moved on… Jeff took a little longer though.”
Traison was still holding bi-weekly marches in protest of Bartman’s existence well into 2006. In 2008, he obtained only seven signatures for his petition to deport Bartman from the United States, and only last month he was seen wearing a “Buck Fartman” t-shirt while softly crying to himself.
“Jeff really doesn’t forget about things. The other day he was asking me if I was going to vote for William Hung on American Idol,” says Harold Cromwalter, a fellow employee of Jeff’s.
Those close to Jeff are relieved that he has finally come to terms with Bartman’s interference. “I’ve always known Jeff to be one who holds grudges, and this time was no different,” Melissa Traison, Jeff’s wife, told The Flipside, “but when Jeff started buying hunting gear, I began to get worried.”
In fact, prior to Jeff Traison’s public message, he had been actively pursuing the Mr. Bartman in the hopes of extracting an apology.
“I wasn’t planning doing on doing anything drastic,” Jeff assured the press. “Probably just a few fingers would have sent the messasge. Maybe even a hand if he was uncooperative But I’m past that now.”
In related news, Jeff have yet to remove the Kerry-Edwards campaign sticker from the back of his ‘87 Buick sedan.

January 16, 2010

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