Walker Brothers Salmonella Outbreak Deters Nobody

By George Minkowski HIGHLAND PARK — Over a dozen Deerfield students stayed…

School Realizes Kid Has A Twin, Explains A Lot

By Alex Von Trapensfield Students and teachers at DHS have discovered that…

Kwanzaa Celebrators Disappointed About Lack of Kwanzaa Spirit This, Every Year

By Gunter Hausman Unfortunately, as Christmas and Festivus fast approach, Kwanzaa is…

Area Man Feels Much Better After Having a Nice Cry in the Bathtub

Tiger Woods In No Mood to be Satirized by Blatant Rip-Off of The Onion

Why Does Everybody Think I Want Knives For Hannukah?

Ask Mr. Motzko: Pets

Dear Mr. Motzko. I am lonely and allergic to almost everything. I…

Hot Girl Likes Books

By George Minkowski DEERFIELD— As the old adage goes, never judge a…

As the Autumn Season Bids Adieu, We Glimpse Ahead to the Things We Most Look Forward To This Winter

By Elijah Brisk It is now mid-December. The leaves have all fallen,…

Santa’s Elves Busy Making Best Buy Gift Cards

CBS Executives Sick of Trying to Fire Andy Rooney

By Gunther Hausman NEW YORK CITY– For 31 years now, the iconic…

Grandparents Given the Opportunity to See their Lying, Cheating Grandchildren in New Light

Whether it was the smell, sound, or sight of them, you probably…