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Dear person who stole my calculator,

golem I am reluctant to use the word person in my address because clearly you are something less than human. Let me extend a hearty congratulations to you, mister, who commits petty thief in the gym locker room so as to support your juvenile drug habit.

Sorry, maybe I am being too harsh. Maybe you are stealing because you have fallen on hard times. You live in Deerfield—times must really be tough. Clearly you need to gain the twenty dollars from stealing my calculator so you can feed your family. It is not as if Deerfield High School, a community able to donate nearly $100,000 in these tough economics times to people we have never met, would be able to donate $20 dollars to one of our own. What am I saying? You are not one of us. You are a man lurking in the shadows, waiting for students who still have faith left in the goodness of humanity to leave their lockers unlocked, corrupting your very soul for a few extra dollars. Of course, that is assuming you still have a soul.

Let me apologize if the thief happens to be a woman. In that case, you really have problems. You are stealing things out of the boy’s locker room! Everything I said so far has been too nice if this devil spawn knave happens to be a woman. You, my friend, probably never had a soul.

I can hear your raspy voice mumbling, “But I could have taken other things from your backpack, but I didn’t.” Besides the fact you probably don’t deserve to speak the English language, or make noise at all, I am glad you can find the moral strength to steal, just not steal everything. It takes a real hero to murder a man, but not to rob his stuff. Way to go.

It’s a nice calculator, a Ti-84 silver edition. It was a gift from my great grandma. She’s dead now. I would be fine knowing you are at least using her gift for good, but there is no way you are a person capable of using a calculator. You are an imbecile. You are blessed to live in a giving community, but all you do is take. Hopefully, one day someone else will do the taking: taking you to prison.

Yours truly,
Samuel David Block

April 11, 2009

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