BY BERNARD TIBBERTS
DEERFIELD, IL—The new SmartFilter that Deerfield High School has employed to safeguard its students from the dangers of the real world was recently found to be blocking the Internet.
Many students were trying to access the Internet for scholastic purposes when they were confronted by the evil SmartFilter along with the password prompt. This was really a setback to the learning process and many students expressed their frustrations.
“I just wanted to see the assignment I had in Honors World History today that my teacher posted, but how am I supposed to get to it now that the whole Internet is blocked?”
The director of the technology department at the school addressed the concerns calmly. “There is no reason to believe that anything is going wrong. The SmartFilter was set, Filbert as we call him affectionately, to block any sort of site deemed probable to harm a student, and basically the whole Internet fell under that category.”
We then asked him whether or not he was aware that he was blocking his own website, the Deerfield High School home page. His unruffled response: “The information on there was just not suitable.”
The information on the Deerfield High School home page as well as the general Internet breached the forty-two main categories of internet censoring including but not limited to everything.
In addition to blocking the entire World Wide Web, the SmartFilter was found to be making appearances at NBA games.
Last week, in the middle of a game between the Philadelphia Seventy-Sixers and Indiana Pacers, the SmartFilter came in in the fourth quarter and made a huge block on Allen Iverson.
“I thought he was just limited to the Internet,” said Iverson in a press conference after the game. “I didn’t know he had those kind of hops. I mean he got up. He rejected that thing all the way back into the tenth row. That’s crazy.”
We asked Iverson if he was embarrassed that he was blocked by the SmartFilter, who is not technically in the NBA. He refused to comment.
Head Coach of the Pacers Rick Carlisle was ecstatic. “The SmartFilter really gave us an energy boost that we needed to win that game and make a run. After that block on Allen Iverson, he went on the score fifteen points and grab eight boards and get seven assists. We don’t get those kind of stats out of anyone. He definitely will be getting a bonus.”
As of now, the SmartFilter is retired back to his home in the Deerfield High School computer network blocking websites pointlessly, and drinking coffee and playing Text Twist (on Netscape).