By Picov Andropov

CHICAGO, IL – St. Nicholas wasn’t his jolly self this Christmas, as he found himself the victim of a speed trap. At about 3:30 a.m., Chicago Police pulled over the red suited gift giver near Lake Shore Dr. and Monroe. “The owner of a 1245 red slay convertible, with landing gear attachment standard, was clocked at 1,498 mph and arrested soon after. The suspect exceeded the speed limit by 1,468 mph. According to Illinois state law, driving at more than 20 mph over the speed limit is a felony. His case will likely be tried as a superfelony due to such excessive speeds,” said one police spokesperson in a press conference last week.

There are other charges pending against Mr. Clause. Trying to excuse himself from the ticket, Santa told the officer that he had “special gifts to deliver.” The officer then searched the slay for illicit material.

Many children were disappointed at the lack of gifts under their tree. Santa works from east to west (benefit of time zones), so no gifts were delivered west of Chicago. One 7-year-old boy from Los Angeles told The Flipside, “It’s a good day to be Jewish!”

As for the reindeer, they were impounded. Whether to a car lot or animal shelter is unknown at this hour. Perhaps next year, Santa can have his elves install radar detectors on his dashboard.

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