By Lenny Detroit

DEERFIELD, IL—Self-proclaimed “rebel senior” Minnie Portman just announced today in Mr. Wathen’s Level Two Calculus class that, “I didn’t the homework, you know, and I don’t think I finished all of it yesterday either.”

Portman is another one of those standard senior cases: She has a highly respectable 3.7 unweighted GPA, is highly involved in extracurriculars, but now with the approaching end of the school year, she told the Flipside she is making sure “not to do all of the homework. I still want to be somewhat cool.”

Portman’s friends have realized that she is doing all she can to keep up this rebel senior reputation, but ultimately confided in the Flipside that this ploy is failing dreadfully. “I don’t know what her deal is,” said true-rebel friend Cailie Dubin. “She can’t say she’s a rebel senior when she spends five hours a night on homework, came tardy to French once, and doesn’t plan on doing Senior Ditch Day.”

Portman had previously responded to a similar question, saying that she did plan to attend Senior Ditch Day, but her parents were calling her out to avoid all repercussions.

Minnie Portman has reassured all naysayers that her Senioritis is true. “I’m so done,” she said coolly. “I’m into college already, and so that means I only do homework on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays. I only study Wednesday if I have a test.”

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