BY USANSKIT WORTON
WASHINGTON, D.C.— NSA intelligence yesterday revealed that they were aware of the location of the Jones’ family Mother’s Day Brunch.
“We suspected that they may have been harboring terrorists,” said NSA director and soon-to-be CIA member Michael Hayden. “We thought this name ‘Jones’ was a whole ploy to distract us from what their true motives may have been. We read their code system like a piece of cake: Mother’s Day Brunch was actually the name of their covert terrorist operation.”
He continued to tell us the striking details of the process. “We decided to station some of our men at the specified location, to make sure they didn’t try anything funny. I didn’t know what kind of anthrax they had in that lox, but it sure didn’t look kosher to me.”
Other members of the NSA were skeptical of the operation as well. A higher-up at the organization who needs to remain anonymous for purposes unknown said, “The grandma was an especially suspicious character. She carried around her cane at all times that most likely contained some sort of explosives. This was no playground for children, this Mother’s Day Brunch.”
The location of the brunch still should not be disclosed, but due to excessive leaking from the intelligence agencies, we found out that it took place at the Nursing Home at 332 Crawford St.
When the undercover men from the NSA showed up at the brunch, they were surprised to find an unusually large amount of toddlers roaming around, and just normally family conversation. They ran countless test on the lox and bagels, but there were no visible traces of any biological or chemical weapons of mass destruction.
“This was a real shock,” said director Michael Hayden. “I don’t now how this could have happened.”
“I am confident it was based on faulty intelligence,” responded the ever-so-calm President George W. Bush. “It must have been the Father’s Day brunch at Aunt Susie’s where they were hiding the weaponry.”