In a brand-new study conducted earlier this week by anti-drug program D.A.R.E., drugs and alcohol, which have been deemed as “bad” by the program since its inception, have been elevated to “very, very bad” status in a move that D.A.R.E hopes will reach more young kids and prevent drug abuse.

“These kids have not been hearing the real story,” claims D.A.R.E. President Shelley Weisbard, who led the study. “All this time they have been hearing how a life of drugs and alcohol will lead them down the wrong path, but even with this startling information, many of them end up doing it anyways. The reasons behind this have baffled us for years, but we finally realized why this phenomenon continues. They understood that drugs were bad but they were unsure of the extent of how bad they were. The answer my friends, is that they are very, very bad.”

This unprecedented conclusion is mystifying contributors to the D.A.R.E. program who wonder why they didn’t think of this all along.

“I can’t believe this wasn’t determined a long time ago. Words are powerful. If I merely told you that my famous eggs were good, this information might not make a difference to you. However, if I told you that they were very, very good, I would think one would take more of an interest and would consequently make you want to try my eggs,” says Honorary Officer Jim Chuck, who has taught for the D.A.R.E. program for nearly twenty years. “This is the approach that we have taken in our study and subsequent upgrade: People understand the importance or severity of something when it is repeated twice and italicized the second time.”

D.A.R.E. representatives have indicated that they refuse to sugarcoat the issues. “We’re not going to lie to you about how bad they are. Beer is bad, it really is. Heroin is also very, very bad. Cocaine is so, so, so, so bad. These are actual facts that must be addressed and explained until full understanding has occurred” says Chuck. “So when your child goes to one of those toga parties that they do these days, the emphasize on badness will get through to him.”

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