By Harry Weilenthan

DEERFIELD, IL-Mathlete star Oscar von de Saamp has been expelled from the rest of the Mathletic season after testing positive for performance enhancing drugs.

Von de Saamp, who excelled in quadratic and trigonometric equations, had been using Ritalin to “get in the zone” before matches, and to gain any advantage possible in this dog-eat-dog world of Mathletes.

“He really is tainting the sport,” says fellow Mathlete Jori Hexilinear. “Just because [Oscar] used drugs to improve his performance, it doesn’t mean that the rest of us have.”

The rest of the team has come to Oscar’s aid, but their support may not be enough to overcome stringent drug testing laws.

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