Dear Mr. Motzko,
It’s finally time to apply to college and I don’t know where to start. People keep telling me about all of these essays you need to write and all these terrible standardized test you need to take. What is the best way to approach this process? I am contemplating delaying applying until the last second, but my counselor says that procrastination is not the answer. What should I do?
Confused for College
Dear Sir, Madam or Steve:
Procrastination is not the answer. It is the means. The means to an end. A white-hot, black-asphalt, wind-blown, orange-vest wearing, community-service doing end. I sympathize with and even admire the average American teen’s ability to escalte procrastination to an art form, equivalent in merit to box-kite flying or butter sculpture. Many would put off their own birth until they were the proximal volume of the sun just for the challenge. Others are too wrapped up in spontaneous outbursts of dancing and singing (if High School Musical has taught me anything) or are engaged in wholesome activities like playing bass with Daddy on the Van Halen reunion tour. There is no more ripe fig for the spoilage of procrastination than the college admissions process. An irritant falling on the spectrum between finding fingernail clippings in your Bosco sticks and misplacing your oxygen, the various flaming hoops of college admissions morph into the albatross around your shoulders if one is wont to procrastinate. The answer, gentle reader, is obvious: outsourcing. Outsource your essays and tests to those students who are not stained by lethargy and indolence. First graders love to write anything and will jump through the ceiling tiles to impress. As long as your colleges of choice do not mind reversed “d” and “b”‘s, the dotted blue line or essay after essay about ponies, first graders are your route to some serious me-time. Just be sure to avoid using fourth graders. Those kids are slackers.
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