chickenPackard, OH— After eating at the local Panda Express three times a day for the last twenty days, Packard High School sophomore Craig Anderson has gained a significant amount of weight as well as some insight into his bleak future.
Though his food pyramid has recently consisted primarily of crab Rangoon and duck sauce, his true undoing came at dessert, where seemingly innocent fortune cookies have slowly convinced him that some malevolent Asian oracle is watching his every move.
The trend started about three weeks ago when the lucky numbers on the back of his fortune matched those in his phone number. “How coincidental,” Craig recalls thinking, but he simply chalked it up to luck. At dinner the next evening, he became slightly more concerned when he opened a fortune cookie to find, ‘Craig, your parents like your sister Emily more.’
“Something was wrong,” Craig tells Flipside reporters. “How did the cookie know I had a sister named Emily?”
Even after this message, Craig received more odd fortunes every time he cracked open a cookie.
‘He who ditches honors physics fails final swiftly.’
‘You will have great success… at being hunted like an animal.’
‘Seriously Craig, I’m going to kill you. I’d start running now if I was you.’
“I didn’t even think that last one could fit on that thin little piece of paper,” Craig says. “But it did, and I ran.”
Local authorities conducted an extensive investigation regarding these threatening messages, which led them to Craig’s classmate, Jessica Hall. Jessica had been planning to ask Craig to the school’s turnabout dance through a message in a fortune cookie, but soon realized she could have much more fun messing with Craig’s mind.
“The plan was to put a message in Craig’s fortune cookie saying ‘Craig, Turnabout?’, but before I did that, I had a few ideas,” says Jessica. “I guess it got a little out of hand after I predicted Craig’s death using vivid details from his own life. My bad.”
Craig checked himself into the Packard Psychiatric Hospital and is unable to be reached for comment.

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