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Candidates Move To Capture Critical Amish Swing Vote

amish With only days left until the election, Obama and McCain are scrambling to get the last minute independent voters. The large Amish vote has been a hard audience to pander to. Obama ran a great television ad about upholding family values and traditions, a message that resonates clearly with the Amish. Unfortunately, the Amish do not believe in television and the message was lost. McCain, who was alive before there was TV or even radio, has had more success connecting to the Amish folks. He has been seen sporting a bonnet and churning butter.
Real controversy has arisen over the porta potty versus outhouse debate. Both candidates are careful to pick a side that appeals to both the modern Amish crowd and conservative Amish people. McCain reiterates that, “Having a usable toilet is convenient, but, my friends, it is a clear violation of tradition. I’m a maverick. I uphold traditions and forge new ones.” Obama responded, “America is in need of change. Nobody understands this better than the Amish. Like the Amish people, I am change you can believe in.”
McCain was quick to regain the momentum he captured during his horse drawn carriage campaign and log cabin hall meetings. He boldly declared, “I believe in country first. This country was founded on the values Amish people uphold. Computers? Who needs them. Guns? A staple of every house. Abortion? What’s that? The government? Keep it small, if not ignore it all together. These are my values. These are the Amish’s values.”
Alas, time is short and Obama has already moved on to the unemployed Hostess workers’ votes and told these proud once working folks, “It’s what is on the inside that counts. I am like a Hostess. At my core I am the creamy, fake filling: extremely fattening yet rewarding in the short-term. On the outside I am made up of stuff that could survive a nuclear war.”

December 30, 2008

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