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Breathtaking Botanic Garden Website Renders Real Botanic Garden Useless

By Picov Andropov

HIGHLAND PARK, IL – The Chicago Botanic Garden has been debating how to make its natural wonders available to more than just local residents. In a Tuesday press conference, the decision to put forth all of their funds towards a new website was made official. The gardens will shut down as a result of a nothing less than stunning website design.

Bulldozing of the Garden’s thousands of acres will begin sometime this spring to make way for a series of mini-malls. The land is still open for potential buyers. ‘Using fast food restaurants and discount hair salons to attract people will be much more successful than what we were doing before,’ said one spokesperson. ‘Flowers and trees just weren’t bringing in the masses like they used to.’

The designers of the new website believe that nature lovers, tree huggers, and the like will find the electronic garden better than the once ‘real’ garden. Internet users will be able to browse all the plants and animals originally located within the gardens. High definition photographs (coming soon) give everyone the ability to experience nature right in their own homes. The Director of Public Affairs, Jean Machine, told the Flipside, ‘All the experiences of an actual garden are there. Only this time, when you see a cute little squirrel or agile hummingbird on your screen, you can click on it to reveal a whole bundle of fun facts: habitat information, diet, mating rituals, and a detailed explanation of its taxonomical classification.’ A set audio playlist of various cricket and bird chirp noises will join the website early this summer.

One excited family has already made plans to take a trip to the new website. ‘It’s already down on the calendar for April,’ explained Fred Meade. ‘We’ve already bought two new rolls of film and a picnic basket. We’re all so excited!’

Unfortunately, plans for cyber tours have yet to be announced, but are expected after the tour guides are ‘fully trained.’

December 15, 2008

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