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Breathtaking Botanic Garden Website Renders Real Botanic Garden Useless

By Picov Andropov HIGHLAND PARK, IL – The Chicago Botanic Garden has been debating how to make its natural wonders available to more than just local residents. In a Tuesday…

Deerfield Police Mistake Math Lab for “Meth Lab”

By George Minkowski DEERFIELD, IL—Deerfield High School junior Michele Goldiner volunteered to give the Deerfield police a tour of the school last week in order to help familiarize them with…

D-Hall Water Fountains Found to Contain Traces of Yellow Gatorade

DEERFIELD, IL—In a recent report by the Illinois Health in Education Association, it was revealed that the drinking fountains outside of D-Hall at Deerfield High School produce water that does…

Opinion: This Whole Deal With Angels in America is Just So Gay

By Freddy Teenager NORTHBROOK, IL—I’ve only been following this media frenzy from across town, but come on guteenagerrrrys. From what I’ve heard this whole deal with the Angels in America…

Angels in the Outfield Confused for AIDS Drama

NY Governor Eliot Spitzer Linked in Prostitution Ring