ASK MR. MOTZKO
Dear Mr. Motzko-
It is almost time for winter break, and I am getting very excited. My parents said that we are going to go out of town for the vacation, and they said that it is up to me where we can go. They said all I needed to do was pick five places and put them in a hat, and they would choose one. I don’t know where to go, because there are just so many great places, like New York City and Buffalo Grove, IL. What do you suggest?
Wants Help for Winter Vacation
The irony that pervades this question is as thick as prison gravy. My recent absence from the Flipside can be attributed to my recent travels to my fave vacation spots. No fan of Walt’s anthropomorphic rat am I. Frankly, I’d sign myself up for a single, smoking room at Guantanamo before I’d open my wallet to the winds of Orlando. While my usual vacations revolve around genuflection at the varied sequined shrines of Graceland, Dollywood and Twitty City, I’m going to let you in on five more of my favorite vacation destinations (a $2.37 value!).
1. Why drop the serious coin of Six Flags Over Gurnee when you can economize at Two Flags Over Des Moines?
2. The George Rogers Clark Memorial in Vincennes, Indiana. My parents took me there for Spring Break. If I had to do it, so do you.
3. The Buford Pusser Museum (342 Pusser Street, Adamsville, TN). A memorial to a man who was shot 8 times, stabbed seven times and successfully fought six men simultaneously on his way to a world record of smashing 87 whiskey stills in 1965. IMHO (or IHOP), any man who can jump on the hood of a car, smash through the window and subdue the driver should get their own memorial. Take THAT George Rogers Clark!
4. The corpora quadrigemina. To access this inner region of your brain, stick your head between two stereo speakers, one playing Jimi Hendrix’s “In 1983, A Merman I Shall Be…” and the other playing Cream’s “Tales Of Brave Ulysses”. Either that, or turn left off of Telegraph then right on Rago.
5. Eastern Montana during the Late Cretaceous. Do not step off the path. Repeat. Do not step off the path.