Dear Mr. Motzko,
It’s almost Halloween and I need to find a costume. I thought about being a monster or a ghost, but everyone told me that was too cliché. I need a creative idea, and preferably one that is home made. I have lots of tinfoil and I want to use it as a starting point. Where should I go from here?
Helpless for Halloween

Dear Helpless (and apparently naked),

Spare the tinfoil for roasting pumpkin seeds. Besides, you’re gonna need it to finish a metallic hat that will shield you from the super-secret government satellites currently flying the skies in hopes of stealing our brainwaves and selling their ill-gotten bounty to crazen Hollywood writers. I’m talking to you, “so-called creators” of Full House. All Hallow’s Eve is down in the need for some serious revisions in what passes for scary. The faux (editor unable to read word), faux Meyers and faux Cheneys of Octobers past are as played out as Kerry Wood’s bare-china arm. Is it scary and homespun you desire? Soak your shirt in bacon grease and waft it in front of a pack of wild curs. Repeat until they threaten to tear it to shreds. Get in the shirt. Presto! You’re credit card debt. You want terrifying? Link fifteen of your friends together with broomsticks and go out as saturated fat. Just try to get out the door (or through an artery). Disturbing, you say? Slip on an extra undershirt that makes you two degrees warmer. Pour an inch of water in your shoes. Now you’re the earth in 50 years.

Remember, pennies are not an edible Halloween treat.

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