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80% of DHS Diagnosed With Self-Diagnosed ADD

By Flagstaff Roberts

DEERFIELD, IL—Yesterday, an independent research study was released by the Institute for Psychological Orders and Disorders stating that an overwhelming percentage of the Deerfield High School community had Self-Diagnosed ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). This was a shock to the Deerfield community, and the Board of Trustees saw this as a call to action.

“I think this problem went under the radar for a while,” says a prominent Deerfield psychology teacher. “There were many cases to be diagnosed, and the medical community just wasn’t on top of it. It’s a good thing these students and teachers had some initiative to diagnose themselves.”

Many do not have the same optimistic tone about the issue. Several members of the administration see this as a potential scapegoat for test scores that, even though are some of the best in the country, could still bee better.

“Well, when you have ADD, your attention span just isn’t that great,” commented one administrator. “I think it is this shortened attention span that has led to the decreased focus during study halls and examinations, as well as the inflated price on pizza sales.”

Students have seen the problem in a very different light. “I found myself daydreaming in Chemistry last Wednesday,” said a jumpy Sophomore girl, “and that was when I realized I had ADD.” Her mom was ecstatic that now she could be prescribed more drugs that she probably didn’t need to solve the problem she probably didn’t have.

Deerfield physician Dr. Robert E Veland said that he has seen trends like this come and go. “I think this is just one of those cases of over-diagnoses, so that those drug companies can rake in the big bucks. These kids don’t know what they’re talking about; they can hardly diagnose themselves without a proper Ph.D.”

Only time will tell how this will turn up, but hey, stop that, no you can’t do that now it’s almost time for me to go fishing.

December 15, 2008

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