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DHS Takes Severe Measures To Stop Growing Rat Population

Struggling against the problem of a growing rat population, Deerfield High School has decided to take new, more severe measures to keep the school clean. “It was really simple,” said Deerfield administrator Willy Gope “the rats are drawn to the school by all the food. The Library and ARC have very effective no food policies, but they are not doing enough. We just took the logical next step, banning eating in the cafeteria.”

This change comes as a shock to many students. “I’m appalled,” said senior Eric Begley “Lunch is like class colors, it’s a school tradition.” Other students however, see the need for the change. Dozens have reported missing food, chewed writing utensils, and calculator theft— all symptoms of a growing rat population.

The school’s attempts to solve the rat problem have been numerous, and many have been ineffective. During the fall, an extensive system of large baited mousetraps was set up. Though the traps showed promising early results, they were canned after several freshmen went missing. “The mouse traps were not a good idea, and we realize that now,” reflected Gope “So I guess what we are trying to do is to build a better mouse trap, which I think is fairly reasonable.” Another administrator, Keli J. Pudue said, “We are not going to let any of those miserable critters eat. They are going to be starving every day, it will be great. And the rat problem is bad too.” The new no-eating-in-the- cafeteria policy will be implemented immediately. Should the policy fail, Deerfield will immediately move to its back-up strategy, releasing a horde of feral cats into the building.

The rat population has been thus far unavailable for comment.

August 6, 2013

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