DEERFIELD, IL—Senior Timmy Stevens sits in sixth period math class as teacher Jordan Fitzpatrick suggests the class do a “whip around to find out where everyone is going for spring break!” Students quickly spew out senior spring break destinations from El Salvador to San Diego to a Sandals resort in Jamaica, and before Timmy can even come up with something witty, it is his turn to speak. “Does Riverwoods count?” asks Timmy, and his fellow classmates and Mr. Fitzpatrick alike begin dancing around the room chanting “Timmy is a loser” in tandem. It seems that Timmy is the victim of a staycation.
With the economy in the crapper and and the growing suspicion that Rick Santorum is tied to the airline industry in a Bernie Madoff-like ponzi scheme, more and more families have turned to a staycation as a means of entertaining the family for the glorious week that is spring break. While it may not sound as “sick nasty, man” as going to one of the numerous Caribbean islands, there are many unforeseen benefits to the staycation.
1. Edward Cullen-like porcelain glow. Who needs a leathery tan when you can bask in the white light of your computer screen? As you are sitting in your lumpy fig juice-stained mattress, imagine all of the money you are saving by not buying suntan lotion, as well as how you are dodging a bullet by not having to step in sand—the herpes of the beach. Upon returning to school, make sure to compare your new alabaster sheen to those less fortunate souls who now resemble Pauly D. and just tell them “Vampires have more fun.”
2. Catch up on your Facebook stalking. With so much school work in the last few weeks of third quarter, many students have found themselves putting off their Facebook patrolling, opting to spend time “getting into college” and other useless tasks. But a staycation is a perfect time to catch up on what you have been missing in the Facebook universe! Scroll down your news feed until the scroll bar is as thin as a dime and while still keeping up with your friends across-seas vacations in real time. And, now that timeline has infested Facebook, your stalking is made easier as you can relive your friends’ mistakes of the past. Return to school with a grin on your face and confront your enemy with this short phrase “I know what you did last summer because of that album titled ‘What I did last summer.’”
3. Do homework. Spring break had promised to be worry free—that is until your English teacher assigned a paper, your history teacher assigned reading, and science decided a field lab was in order. While some students are putting off their work to their cramped plane rides home from the exotic lands they visited, show your teachers how much you care by devoting every waking minute to perfecting your homework. Because, after all, nothing screams “I had a great spring break!” like a 12-page essay.
As you can see, a staycation really isn’t all that bad. Sure, you don’t get fun cornrows in your hair and your teacher won’t mistake you for one of the Kardashians upon return, but, come on—a week full of Facebook? What could be more fun than that.