As 2012 continues to move along at a snail’s pace, we find ourselves in the boring month of February, which can only mean one thing: awards season. With shows such as the overly-showy Grammy’s, the Golden Globes and the Golden-Globe wannabe SAG awards, there are a plethora of exciting award opportunities, but none are quite as prestigious as the all-time favorite Academy Awards.
Dear old Oscar is awarded to thespians who dazzle in the movies that came out during the previous year. They have been a prized tradition for years, but the number of viewers has been dwindling in past years. And now that The Voice is on at the same time, producers are worried that they will lose their prime-time spot and will have to resort to being on after the Puppy Bowl.
With this in mind, the Academy has decided to add nearly 20 new categories to the already long list of possibilities. Among these are Best Performance by an Animal, Best Use of the Song “I Gotta Feeling” and Best Movie Starring Brad Pitt.
Producers are hopeful that these new categories will draw in enough viewers to secure their air spot for years to come. “We are hoping that viewers of The People’s Choice Awards and dumb, I mean, inventive awards shows like that will begin to watch The Oscars starting this year. Also, to pull viewers from The Voice, we will be forcing actors to sing while celebrity judges Jennifer Love Hewitt and Kevin Federline listen to them blindfolded. It’s a must-see event!”
Another novel addition to the Oscars is the introduction of categories involving the worst performances. These include Worst Fake Fighting, Worst Cameo Appearance by a Washed Up Celebrity and Worst Movie Starring Brad Pitt.
“The Oscars promise to be really fun this year!” says “celebrity” guest Kevin Federline. “Also, I am using it as a launchpad for my modeling career. You are welcome, America.”
If all else fails, though, the Oscars will just pay Nicki Minaj a bunch of money to perform an exorcism on stage. Let’s face it, who needs good singing when you have cool costumes and flashing bright lights?