According to the girls at DHS, no winter wardrobe can call itself complete without large, ridiculously comfortable sweaters. From vintage noodies that still smell like your grandparents’ moldy basement to striped zip-ups that were borrowed (stolen) from your now ex-boyfriend’s closet, DHS has not gone a day this winter without seeing at least a dozen oversized sweaters on the torsos of teenage trendsetters.
Despite their raging popularity among the female population, the boys are calling a rebellion to what is being called the Sweater Revolution of the 21st century. “My sister keeps taking all my clothes and it is not cool,” complains junior Bobby Sarkis. “If she wants a sweater she should just buy them herself. Plus, now all my sweaters are starting to smell like girl. It’s gross.” In response, Bobby’s sister, sophomore Jenny Sarkis, said, “It’s not fair that guys get to wear comfortable clothes and girls don’t. I just wear super baggy sweaters to compensate for the tightness of my jeans—the tighter the jeans, the looser the sweater.” When Bobby suggested wearing less tight jeans, Jenny tried to kick him but there was too little blood flow to her foot in order to do so successfully.
Also, to help their cause, the boys are now trying to convince the girls just how ugly the sweaters are. Says senior Jack Jensen, ”I don’t know that much about clothes and stuff, but I’m pretty sure some of the sweaters girls are wearing nowadays can barely even be pulled off by senile men in their 70s. I mean, my mind can’t even process all of the lines and colors and patterns…I think I’m going to throw up.”
While Jensen tries to hold onto his lunch, the sweaters just keep on coming. To all you boys out there, if a girl has stolen your sweater recently, don’t expect to be getting it back any time soon. And to the girls: live large, live comfy, keep calm and sweater on.