Dear Allison Jane,
I am writing to you with a bizarre apology. I was stalking the hell out of you on Facebook yesterday when I came across an interesting photo album. It was titled, “[[**Seniors Rule!**]]”. It is true that seniors rule, and I wanted to let you know that I did indeed start looking through this album despite us not having ever spoken. Now you may ask why I am informing you of my creepiness.
In the midst of living vicariously through your photos, I did something that disgusts me. I had made it through photo #48 of 120 when my mouse had a spasm. I was just about click down on your very pretty face which would have allowed me to view your next stunning Kodak moment, when all of a sudden my pointer shifted towards the “like” button. Despite my very verbal protest, my computer seemed to have a mind of its own. I realized it too late, I had already clicked. What would normally be instant gratification, that Facebook thumbs up sign, was a shimmering reflection of my look of horror.
I immediately clicked “unlike”- not because I don’t like you, but because I did not want my creepiness to be forever ingrained in the all-too-permanent internet. While others cannot see my red hands at a time like this, I will have to live the rest of my life knowing that you received a notification informing you that I liked a picture of you and your brother posed next to your family menorah enjoying the annual Hanukah traditions. For this I am truly sorry.
Your Secret-and-all-too-creepy Internet Admirer
PS Do you want to go out with me?