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Really Cool Hipster Talks About: Parties

Parties aren’t easy. For some, the schmoozing and socializing comes naturally, but for you, being in a room with more than a dozen people leaves you quivering in the fetal position. Don’t worry; you’re not the only one. Many are overwhelmed by the talking, dancing and body contact that your grandmother would definitely not approve of, unless she’s one of those cool grandmothers, but I digress.
Parties can be weird and awkward. If you don’t watch your step, you’ll end up on the couch talking to six guys you’ve never met about how you disagree with the marshmallow to cereal ratio in a box of Lucky Charms. But with some practice and patience, you’ll be as cool as a cucumber… whatever that means.
First off, make sure you don’t arrive exactly on time. You’re most likely not going to get a tardy slip. Don’t worry too much about what clothes you show up in, because in the dark most guys look the same anyway. By the way, that mayonnaise-stained shirt you think is really comfortable might not fair so well under the black light.
All those movies you’ve ever seen…Those people are actors. Reality and Judd Apatow movies are two separate things. High school is not like Mean Girls. If you come to a Halloween party dressed as a horrible-looking witch, your night will be less successful than Shaq’s rap career. And for the record, being a mathlete and kissing Aaron Samuels is like dividing by zero– impossible.
But not everyone will be able to have fun at parties- there are specific roles that must be played. Of course, we have the couple of dudes stuck to the walls like they’re in a police line-up. We have the texters, who have other people they’d rather talk to than the hundreds within a ten-foot radius of them. And who could forget the kid nervously zipping and unzipping his sweatshirt because he doesn’t know what to do with his hands? What, you want to be the guy who whispers, “You have a kind smile” into girls’ ears and gets away with it? Sorry, you must have missed auditions.
Yeah, the music is kind of loud. And no, we’re not going to play the “Cha Cha Slide”. Let’s just keep on listening to Lil Wayne while yelling too loudly about how hard last week’s math test was. This is forever night!

September 27, 2009

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