Dear Mr. Motzko,
Homecoming is around the corner and I still don’t have any creative ideas for asking someone to the dance. I’m thinking about Google-ing some ideas but I know that would be the lamest thing ever. Please help me out before I’m forced to ask her in a text message.
Dateless in Deerfield
Dear Reader/ Supplicant,
While I generally assign a frowny-face to dance-related activities (owing to their tendency to bring on unexpected bouts of rain and Satan), I know there hasn’t been much to do in D-town since the amusement park became haunted. I hope Scoob and his pals resolve that one post haste.
To answer your query, I have to ask myself, WWBRD (What Would Burt Reynolds Do)? As such, the best bet for deal sealing would be to challenge him or her to a cross-country race along with several hundred C-list Hollywood washouts. If you win, he/she is resigned to arm candy status for the shindig. Lose, and become a punchline for the new millennium. Either way, hilarity ensues. If madcap is not in your vocabulary, check your dictionary.
Next, consider something more subtle and tasteful, such as carving your intent into a local large outcrop of granite (Mt. Deerfield, for example) or the timeless touch of a hand-painted dirigible, tethered to the roof of your desired dance partner. If all else fails, nothing gets the point across like a barrel of monkeys. Just don’t forget the air holes in the barrel.
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