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Valedictorian Uncomfortable With Speaking to People Other Than Teachers, Textbooks

nerd As graduation time approaches, Ben Smartypants is more nervous than ever before, including the time when he accidentally brushed up against a girl’s (a girl!) butt, which caused the girl to turn around. Ben is a Senior carrying a perfect 4.0, a 5.8 unweighted, and about 6 textbooks. After years of locking himself in his room and only coming out for classes, Ben has to make a speech at graduation… in front of people.

Even worse, there is the likely possibility he will have to talk to some of these people. When asked about this possibility, Ben responded, “Who are you and why are you talking to me?”

After telling Ben we were just local college reps for Harvard, Ben stopped sweating and dry heaving. We asked Ben again what he would do if he had to talk to someone other than a teacher or a textbook and he said, “Well, according to my calculations I would initiate a common pleasantry. Possibly something to the effect of ‘hello’ or a southern colloquium greeting like ‘I haven’t made an acquaintance like this since lil’ Billy’s biscuit was stolen by them dogs.’ I assume that would work, but I haven’t really talked with real people in a long time, although Second Life is pure pwnage. I also doubt they know binary code or Elvish, two languages of choice for me.” Without an end to his rambling in sight, we had to inform Ben we were regular, non-school related people. He simply looked at us, dropped his jaw, and ran away.

February 12, 2009

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